| I've been lying lately...alot. But not really to myself like I usually would. This time I hurt people with my lies and mind you I'm being punished for it. The rules of the game are the harshest and truest of realities. The game is life. I had thought when I was younger that adult life would be almost exactly like a kid's except you get to tell people what to do. As wrong as I was then I wish I would've listened to my mom a little more. But alas, my friends became my voices of reason and I got lost...then hit by an anonymous train. It wasn't really a train, but we like to refer to it as one and I think somewhere deep inside I knew it was coming too, but I was too lazy to stop it. Debt hit me...hard, but without a car or a person to consistantly ride with what was I to do. I mean a stranger's kindness will only get you so far in the end especially in this day and age. I thought evil horrible thoughts...one of which was to completely obliterate my existance. I had a moment of shining hope and inspiration from my own father(yes the one who had beaten me in my younger days) and I began to think things through. It wasnt worth it. But I still had a lot of pressure to deal with and alot of people to deal with...one of which being my girlfriend at the time Amy. I really cared for her and my feelings for her even grew numb. I began to think of love and care as a physical thing, one that had to be shown through hugs and kisses all the time so I broke up with her. It didn't really releive the pressure, but I at least didn't want to put the burden on her shoulders. I mean she's younger than I am and to stand with her in front of that train would not only embarass me but completely destroy her. But lately I've been thinking long and hard about the people who love each other and it makes no sense. They hug and kiss one another only every once in a while. I think I've got it figured out now that trust is the most important thing in a relationship, not hugs, not kisses, not even sex, nothing compares to the trust you can have in your partner. I think I hurt her by lying to her, and it's a sad thing really because I trust her. Even now I know what she will do when I talk to her. Usually lately it's been shutting me out but it's not like she's completely forgotten me. I lied to her when I broke up with her. I didn't know I lied then, but I did. I wanted to be friends, but how can you expect friendship when you lie to someone. My lie was not about pressure or hugs and kisses, but the fights that I started because of these things. Yes, I started most of these types of fights. It was immature, but I did it. At some point I hope that she reads this, but if she doesn't then it shall be a reminder of my imperfection to myself when a fight starts in a relationship so I can re-examine my own motives and maybe stop another train from hitting me. Of course I care...is that even a question... I'm sending this to all of my friends with the hopes that you can all read this with personalized messages right here:
Amy:I'm sorry for those fights...I hope someday we can be friends. You've got a family to deal with, you don't need more yelling in your life.
Caleb:Thanks for your support, you don't know how much your constant happiness is a joy to me, that is why you are my best friend.
Kyle:I know you will think this akward and emo, but man STFU, your my voice of truth and I thank you for that, I'm doing what my heart tells me. You're my brother no matter what you say or do. Thanks for that trust.
Royce:Maybe now you understand why I quit school, or what is going on in my life, I hope that you can regain the respect for me that I lost.
Tevfik:You're a good advisor, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. Words aren't worth emotions...thanks. As you all can see, I've got a lot of growing up to do still. The thinking is done but the personal growth still remains. It'll all be okay, I'm sure of that. No more evil thoughts.
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